this time last year

this time last year i spent the weekend with my mom, brother and husband in a cabin in brown county. it was her birthday weekend. it was a great weekend. i cant think of a way i would rather spend my time. we talked about the years to come and how we would make it a tradition. we talked about how piper would be old enough to swim in the water park this year. i had no idea that only two months later i would get a call at work from my brother that she was in the hospital with a collapsed lung.
i walked home that day hysterical. on some level i knew. i tried to talk myself out of it, but i walked those ten blocks home with tears streaming down my face. when i recall this it feels like a dream. my life before my moms death feels surreal. in so many ways she is the most integral part of my being, yet when i think of my life with her it as though i made it up. all that is real is the last eight months. and the three weeks en-between her death and pipers birth i have absolutely no recollection. some say these are post-traumatic symptoms.
today i would pay someone to knock me out. i fantasize about a carefree life, like the one i had before this transition of death and birth.
i can only imagine what will ensue from all of this. i know that i will grow immeasurably from this and i sense that great things will come of it. but at this moment i would like a heavy dose of narcotics followed by a long vacation in a tropical place that involves endless amounts sleeping, eating and drinking...