the joy i can contain

i am the eternal optimist. i remember when my mom was dying, i thought that her death would be the death of this part of me. i thought that all of my beliefs would dissipate and i would be left with only grief and anger. i, of course, could not see the other side of it. i could not imagine how much i would love piper, how much i would know my mom to still be here, and how much love and joy i would find in others and the world around me.
i am taken back by this. it seems to me that our core values remain unshaken through the tests of time so to speak. i do not believe that i am being tested however, rather, i am at choice. i am living out soul contracts and choosing. had i been someone that looked for the bad, the reasons that things dont work out, that is what i would have found.
i have believed and retracted many things in my life, but one that continues to hold is that we find what we seek. when i believe something i go out into the world looking for the evidence to prove that it is true. mostly i am looking for why everything is in its right place, that there is a reason for all of it, and that in the end it will always work out.
loosing my mom was my greatest fear. it happened. i lost her.
only to discover that i cannot loose her. only to be more convicted about what i believe.
this is not to say that i am not deeply sad and angry. i am. yet, i have found that there is room for both, the sadness and the joy. the grief is a part of me now. it feels that it will be there forever, an integral part of my being. within twenty one days i experienced the greatest sadness and the greatest joy of my life- the death of my mother and the birth of my daughter.
i have choosen a deep level of responsibility in this life, and there are times when i want nothing else but to not care. to just have fun, to be care free. i look at others who seem to live this way with great envy.
and then i remember piper. steven. my mom. art. friends. all that makes up my life, all that i am grateful for, and that i wouldn't trade for anything. and then i also remember that the grass is always greener. and in just twenty six years i have experienced so much life, so much richness.
"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."
The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran.