when we choose to have children we unknowingly make the decision to rip our hearts out of our chests. And then those little hearts go walking around in the world, on their own, vulnerable to all of the elements of our big universe. Even before they walk, before they start to make decisions for themselves, they can still die. By having children we become vulnerable to the deepest grief possible, loosing them.
a week ago my friend lost her heart. she had him for one year. he grew inside of her for almost nine months, came into the world a little early, and four months later, in one fleeting moment was gone.
i was forever changed the moment my mother died.
my world stopped for one moment, and my entire being was changed.
changed forever.
grief does not go away.
it becomes a part of us. it is an integral part of me that functions and breathes right next to the joy and the gratitude and the excitement about the future. it has a life of its own, and i don't seem to have very much say in how it functions. it comes up to the surface and subsides as it needs to.
like an undertow i am pulled under with its force, brought back up for air, only to be pulled under again.
and somehow my life is still full and so rich and saturated with joy and gratitude.
i am absolutely and continually astonished at what we are capable of living with.
we learn to live without.
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