the vastness

i am aware that there is less writing from my darker moments. i started this writing in an effort to alleviate some of the grief i was experiencing, unsure of why i was making it public, yet followed my intuition. as i sit here i can remember many of those moments. there has been a big shift in the last few months, but there is a deep sadness that i believe will never leave me. i believe the same of the joy. just because i cannot see it all of the time doesn't mean it is not there.
in any given moment i can get in touch with either emotion. and sometimes i am swept away by them. and frequently i am afraid that i will be left out at sea to die. this really only applies to the sadness. i am not afraid of being overcome by joy.
just yesterday i sensed the the vastness of my moms absence coming in, and immediately the anxiety came barreling in. It is not always this way. It comes and goes in and out of consciousness throughout each day.
But sometimes i feel the hugeness of it all. the reality that she is gone. the vastness. the depth. in a moment i have a glimpse and it is shocking. so many times it feels like experiencing it for the first time.